I just pynch a tree in the face
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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