this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Banned from zoo.
Again?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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