Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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