You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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