Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How does one acquire holy water?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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