I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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