Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
