He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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