and next time when you feel me up, do it right
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
