Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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