Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
