so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
