If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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