So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
