and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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