I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
