This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
