Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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