people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They have beer where we have blood.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
