1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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