Have you finally orgasmed yet?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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