In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
