i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
