Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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