Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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