Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
