Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
