in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
