I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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