Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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