.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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