I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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