thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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