You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
