I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
