I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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