she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to make out with him forever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
