I'm really into asian looking animals
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it hurts more in the daytime
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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