she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
