Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
