If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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