GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
this hospital has no fireball
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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