I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
