Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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