At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
