Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
