dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
