You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize