a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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