Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
