i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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