Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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