She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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