Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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