I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
